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You have no doubt noticed that spiritual and religious writing is almost
without exception Highly Serious. The standard-brand monotheistic holy
books, mainstream metaphysics, Eastern wisdom, channeled "wisdom," books
on philosophy and meditation—hardly a smile in any of it, never a giggle.
"This is Deep Thought," the earnest and learned ones seem to be telling
us. "Our Religion Is Nothing To Laugh At."
Why not? What on earth (or in the various heavens and hells) is so holy that we can't make fun of it?
That's why I started Finding new goddesses. What are Found goddesses? They're made-up deities, goddesses who cope with issues not even dreamed of in ancient Greece or India or the northern lands. Please note that I did notinvent Found goddesses. Morgan Grey and Julia Penelope coined the idea in 1988 for their wonderful little book, Found Goddesses. Their first Found goddess was Asphalta: "Hail, Asphalta, full of grace:/ Help me find a parking space."
The Found goddesses are the new ones, the ones we make up to help us deal with modern life. The ancient and classical goddesses can help us with love and abundance and revenge, but whom do you ask for a good haircut or a good used car? To find a decent apartment to rent? What goddess is responsible for air conditioning? Which goddess do you go shopping with? The first goddess I found was Caloria, the triple goddess of potluck. I have also Found three Crone goddesses (Auntie Gravity, Hormonia, and Naustalgica) and twenty-odd computer divinities (goddesses, their consorts, a brother, and a power animal named Mouse).
My intention in writing Finding New Goddesses was to bring playfulness to our spiritual lives. The book is full of parody, puns, awful verse, and some really strange literary and cinematic allusions. Don't take it too seriously. Just have a laugh or two. This month you get to read about two of my absolute favorite girls. As an editor, I'm often tempted by Verbena to "improve" what I'm working on ... but I never do! I just listen to her whispers in my ear and laugh, and then I go on with my work. But if you've read anything I've written, you know she is alive and well in my computer. Or in my fingers.
Since I'm moving this month, I'll start with Rentessa. This is a goddess I Found with the help of my friend, Valerie Meyer, back in the days when she managed an apartment building in Redlands, where she was on call 27 hours a day, 9 days a week, 57 weeks a year. Well, she said it seemed that way. She has since moved to a town I call Yucky Valley. It's north of Palm Springs.
Some of us who believe that human beings cannot own the land, which is the body of Gaia, become apartment-dwellers. Like troglodytes and the Anasazi of old, we live in basements or tall buildings, cheek-by-jowl with neighbors who may or may not understand what we’re doing with all those drums and craft supplies and who those strange people are that visit us every full moon. (Of course, it’s always possible that our neighbors are even stranger than our coven mates, in which case it might be time to consider moving again.)
Our Apartment Home Goddess is Rentessa, and Her priest or priestess is
addressed by the honorific “Rentalagent.” Rentessa and Rentalagent hold
our lives in Their hands, for it far better to live indoors than out. It
is, however, required that we follow the rules if we expect to receive
continuing amenities.
We are required to donate regularly to Rentessa. If the amount of our
donation is very high, the donation may go instead to Her Mother, Rentissima.
If our apartment is very small, the donation may go to Rentalessa, and
if conditions are truly grim and desperate, our donation may go to Rentaslumma.
But no matter which Goddess we support, the middleperson is always Rentalagent,
that minister plenipotentiary whose domain may be guarded by the hound
Novacancy and the terrible demon Evictedus. Reader, beware of this demon,
for Evictedus is cruel and grasping, and once he sinks his fangs and claws
into our credit report, we’re done for.
The secret of success is finding fair housing is to study the legend of Rentessa as given (in highly abbreviated form) in papers published daily or archived by the monks of Rentonomics. (To reach the monkery, phone 1-800-RENTOME.) Because the lore of Rentessa is so highly arcane, it is useful to engage the services of both a translator of the hidden language and a cartographer to lead us to the hidden temples where Rentessa rules and the Rentalagents reside.
Reader, the true secret to finding fair housing will be revealed to you only after satisfactory answers have been received to the third degree of questioning. But this secret should be self-evident. If we have half a brain, we should understand that housing success lies in the proper appeal to Rentalagent, who can, in mere seconds, don the guise of angel or demon. Always try to approach Rentalagent when she is in angelic form; rejection is much less painful when you’re not fighting teeth and toenails. Appeal to Rentalagent using such magical incantations as “I’ve been at the same job for five years” and “I’ve always paid my rent on time and I can prove it.”
Seeker of fair housing, if you are to have any hope at all of succeeding in your quest and entering the sancta sanctorum of Rentessa, you must make friends with the odious Rentalagent.
Take offerings. Bills of large denomination are useful, as are slips of paper bearing your autograph and the higher numbers. Also good are chocolate chip cookies, french fries, seedless grapes, and strong drink, for Rentalagent is extremely busy and almost never has time to sit down for a real meal. Assure Rentalagent that the thought of bribery has never passed through your mind. These things are Simple Tokens of your Profound Respect for One Who Does So Much To Protect The Property Values.
A caution, however: though you must always be respectful, do not grovel before Rentalagent. Appeal to the Rentalagent’s sympathy (if she has any), but never to her hubris (which whe always has in good supply). Ask humbly to be accepted into the congregation. Ask to be shown into the holy of holies, the Blessed Domicile of Rentessa—your own apartment.
And as long as you live there and enjoy the bounteous blessings of Rentessa, be sure to keep your donations up to date. Also try to stop by from time to time to visit with Rentalagent and chat her up. You may rewarded with increased amenities that can include timely visits from the handyman (and try not to act surprised if the handyman turns out to be Rentalagent in disguise). If you are specially favored by Rentalagent, she might even sign for your UPS packages.
Hail, Rentessa, Goddess expensive.
It is [your name], Your child submissive.
Send me a missive, send a directive, don’t be obstructive.
Only, please, dear Rentessa, just give me a better place to live!
Everyone I know has invoked the powers of our next goddess.
Galleria, plaza, mall, or old-fashioned shopping center—anywhere there
are a merchandise display and a cash register, that’s home to Spendifera,
She Who Lives to Shop. Sacred Shopping Bags in hand, this Daughter Aspect
of Tante Tchotchke is born each morning in the mists of the Central Fountain
of Youth. Her cycle is that of the Cosmic Carousel, and She rides between
higher and lower worlds on the Rainbow Escalator.
Because this Goddess is our happy familiar, Her invocation is brief and
simple:
Hail, Spendifera, Shopper-all,
Lead me to the perfect mall.
When your Shopping Time of the Month is upon you, you can plan an entire day with Spendifera. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Midmorning snack at JCPenney. Lunch at Saks. Light afternoon snack at the boutique of your choice. Dinner at Nieman-Marcus. Midnight snack at Mervyn’s. For the Shopping Solstices and Equinoxes, you will need call a meeting of your coven and plan your Shopping Sabbat. How you design and conduct the Shopping Ritual depends, of course, on what kind of training you received:
Gardnerians will work skyclad in the Loehmann’s dressing room and scourge with price and laundry care tags. The HP and HPs will Draw Down the Price and recite “Charge It.”
Alexandrians will stand skyclad at each major entrance and invoke the elemental guardians. Because their polarities are so powerful, they will not be arrested.
Ceremonial magicians will get to wear the most expensive robes. They will journey on the paths of concealed glory from the parking structure of Malkuth to the flowing fountain of Kether.
Myjestyks will circle the mall three times deosil, ignoring each other all the way. They will build invisible altars and place upon them three separate incenses, thirty-seven candles, four (each) gods and goddesses, and the cakes and ale.
Dianics will exorcise the men’s department and raise feminist energy by circling Bloomingdale’s and humming the Ma chant, concluding with an enthusiastic “And Bloomie loves Her wimmin!”
Strege will gather in large family groups at the Italian take-out and create the very best Etruscan pasta sauce and amulets.
Shamans will travel invisibly to Nature Company (or a similar store), where they will try on the masks, rattle the rainsticks, and put the glow-in-the-dark plastic skeletons back together.
Druids will gather around the biggest planter and study the secret lives of the trees. They will write detailed notes to be published in learned journals and read and endlessly debated by other scholars.
Green witches will gather at the more modest planters and clean them by picking up cigarette butts, wads of chewing gum, and discarded plastic packaging. They will spray the plastic plants with Pledge and arrange the silk plants more neatly.
Odinists and other Asatruvians will swagger into the cutlery store, where they will pour their mead into their horns and swear mighty oaths.
Members of CUUPS will gather at Sears, where they will take great care to give equal time to everyone’s suggestions, including agnostics, intellectuals, and those who haven’t yet decided what they believe but are looking around to see who has the most fun.
Faerie Wiccans will stand in the jewelry departments and scatter Lucky Charms.
Teen Witches will gather at The Gap and get into their Teen Witch Altars and Accessory Kits.
Eclectics will begin at least twenty minutes later than everyone else and do whatever they feel like doing wherever they feel like doing it. Whatever they do, it will involve ribbons and crystals.
Cast your circle with Spendifera. Here are suggestions for elemental invocations. It’s up to you to fill in the details, draw the pentacles, and hold the shopping energy.
Hail, Powers of Air, lead me to Sharper Image.
Hail, Powers of Water, lead me to the Bed n Bath.
Hail, Powers of Fire, lead me to Victoria’s Secret.
Hail, Powers of Earth, lead me to Nordstrom’s half-yearly shoe sale.
Can you tell Finding New Goddesses is one of my favorite books? I keep having fun with the blessed Verbena and Finding new girls. (I also Found one god.) BUY THIS BOOK. I have lots of copies, so if you want to read about Our Lady of Guilt (all mothers) and her daughter Libida Loca or Mimsy Borogove, the modern muse and want a signed copy of the book, send me an email.