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You have no doubt noticed that spiritual and religious writing is almost
without exception Highly Serious. The standard-brand monotheistic holy
books, mainstream metaphysics, Eastern wisdom, channeled "wisdom," books
on philosophy and meditation—hardly a smile in any of it, never a giggle.
"This is Deep Thought," the earnest and learned ones seem to be telling
us. "Our Religion Is Nothing To Laugh At."
Why not? What on earth (or in the various heavens and hells) is so holy that we can't make fun of it?
That's why I started Finding new goddesses. What are Found goddesses? They're made-up deities, goddesses who cope with issues not even dreamed of in ancient Greece or India or the northern lands. Please note that I did notinvent Found goddesses. Morgan Grey and Julia Penelope coined the idea in 1988 for their wonderful little book, Found Goddesses. Their first Found goddess was Asphalta: "Hail, Asphalta, full of grace:/ Help me find a parking space."
The Found goddesses are the new ones, the ones we make up to help us deal with modern life. The ancient and classical goddesses can help us with love and abundance and revenge, but whom do you ask for a good haircut or a good used car? To find a decent apartment to rent? What goddess is responsible for air conditioning? Which goddess do you go shopping with? The first goddess I found was Caloria, the triple goddess of potluck. I have also Found three Crone goddesses (Auntie Gravity, Hormonia, and Naustalgica) and twenty-odd computer divinities (goddesses, their consorts, a brother, and a power animal named Mouse).
My intention in writing Finding New Goddesses was to bring playfulness to our spiritual lives. The book is full of parody, puns, awful verse, and some really strange literary and cinematic allusions. Don't take it too seriously. Just have a laugh or two.
It seems as if everybody hates Wall Street today. Billions of our tax dollars went to rescue big companies like AIG and the big banks, and they’re still paying themselves gazillion-dollar bonuses. Populist anger is on the rise. Perhaps regulation will come back. But what’s new about this? Does anybody remember the Reagan years? In the 1987 film Wall Street, Gordon Gekko, played by Michael Douglas, delivers a famous paean to greed. In Ghost(1990), Patrick Swayze’s character was also a Wall Street banker, though a much more sympathetic one. I’ve just seen on IMDB that Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, directed by Oliver Stone, will be released this year. In the new film, IMDB says, Gordon Gekko is a more “heroic” character.
Me, I’ve never invested or understood Wall Street. This is easy to see in my story of Wallopeia (pronounced Wall o’ Pay Ya) the Found Goddess of Wall Street.
Long hidden from the eyes of common folk, Wallopeia is a Seldom-Found Goddess whose sad life has been revealed only in fragments. Hers is a cautionary tale of misfortune and depredation.
The only child of a fur trapper and a fortune-hunter, Wallopeia was born when our nation was young on an island for which, it is said, the conqueror paid the original owners only $24 in glitzy trinkets. Although it is believed that Her only companion was a Kindly Storyteller named Knickerbocker and that She lived in a trading post where bartering was the common practice, we have no other details of Her early life.
In the flower of Her young Goddesshood, Wallopeia was, alas, taken captive by the Robber Barons. To keep Her from Her people, they built a Wall around a muddy Street where She lived and cast a spell that caused Her to grow uncontrollably. Everyone has heard what happened as a result of her manic and unchecked growth. One dark Friday, when everyone was partying as if the end would never come, She collapsed into a Great Depression.
When next we heard of Wallopeia, Her captors have loosed a Bull and a Bear on the Street where she lived in an attempt to keep barbarians from the gate to Her temple. It was to no avail. Led by Gecko the slick and whole companies of shape-shifting Lizards, the barbarians broke through the gate and occupied the Street where She lived. They seduced the Bull and intimidated the Bear, and poor Wallopeia awoke to find Herself in the hands of the Flatio brothers, Inflatio and Deflatio, both of whom mistreated Her cruelly.
In an effort to appeal to the masses who longed to see their Goddess, the Shape-Shifting Lizards invented tales about Her and foretold Her imminent coming. It is said that even the grubbiest of these barbarians were sustained by the overpowering feeling that any second She might suddenly appear. All they received, alas, were occasional glimpses of Her on a balcony or at a window.
Meanwhile, the Shape-Shifting Lizards, now disguised in pin-striped suits as Lawyers and Investment Bankers and Stock Brokers, issued statements to the media. “Greed is Good.” “We are the Masters of the Universe.” “Junk is Treasure and Treasure is Junk.” “Invest Now, Pay Later.” Those who worked on the Street where She lived soon found that the pavement no longer stayed beneath Her feet, for the Shape-Shifting Lizards were raiding many of the old, honorable houses on the Street and setting up new houses of paper and manipulating realities. It is believed that the Shape-Shifting Lizards were performing bonding magic to form a monetary body through which they would rule the world. They were also stocking up on gold and other precious metals.
And what of Wallopeia? Was She still living on the Street? What was She doing? Did She know what was being done in Her Name?
She was still captive. In an attempt to accelerate Her Tao, the Shape-Shifting Lizards were force-feeding Her. Soon they also began to demonize Her, and some of the Shape-Shifting Lizards even began to sacrifice elderly people in Her temples, which were now filled with bloated bureaucrats. The temples themselves became unstable, and soon the doors were forced open and e-trade was invented, so that millions of innocent people could rush into the forcefield created by the Shape-Shifting Lizards and spend all their cybermoney on offering to the Veiled Being now called the Demon Wallopeia.
Reader, let us pray for the unfortunate Wallopeia. As you know, it has been a common practice over the ages to demonize goddesses, for although men will not worship a goddess, many will readily pay homage to a demon.
We must, therefore, free Wallopeia from Her cruel captivity. We must fight to overcome the greedy Shape-Shifting Lizards and give to Wallopeia the offerings of generosity and stability that She deserves. When this hidden Goddess has been truly Found, you can be assured that the Wall will pay you.
If you’re wondering about the allusions to My Fair Lady (“On the Street Where You Live”), I don’t have a good answer. I love musical theater and sneak it in anywhere I think I can get away with it. I wrote Wallopeia in 1999 or 2000, when I was working on a Y2K project. I had no idea the Shape-Shifting Lizards would attack again in 2008.
Our second Found Goddess this month is Yuckarootie. The house she keeps trying to clean belonged to someone I knew a long time ago. It’s an accurate picture. So is the car.
Sooner or later, the time comes when you gotta notice your mess. The fuzzy, squishy green things in the refrigerator. Dirty dishes stacked in the sink in cooling water with smelly things floating on top. The party leftovers and the rest of the grunge under the bed and flowing across the whole room. Carpeting that looks like the floor of a cage in the zoo. A large, unwashed car that smells like an ashtray and is filled to the windows with old newspapers, fast food wrappers, squashed soda cans, and dirty clothes tossed over the front seat. Dog poop and door hangers decorating the yard and sidewalk.
Not funny? Not pretty? Just as each person has a shadow side, so is there a Found Shadow Goddess. What does She look like? Think of the Ghost of Christmas Future. Carrying industrial-strength cleaning supplies.
Lucky for you, She has a sense of humor. She’ll hang out in your kitchen, nodding pleasantly as you boil pasta without stirring the pot. After you leave the cruddy pot in the sink, She’ll smile again and call in Her troops. Some of them are hungry, crawling folks. Other are rumor and innuendo. She’ll also instigate jolly, unexpected visits by people who have never seen your mess before.
Reader, how soon do you think they’ll come back?
So then you’ll get to live full-time with Yuckarootie. You’ll have to. No one else will come near you, though you’re likely to also have a close, personal relationship with Mendacity [one of the Found Goddesses of E-mail also in the book]. People can’t see through e-mail.
You and Yuckarootie can watch TV together every night. She’ll watch whatever you want to watch and let you channel surf to your heart’s content. Her troops will gladly fetch beer and snacks for you. You and Yuckarootie can walk the dog together. She’d be glad to carry the plastic bag if you thought to bring one. You and Yuckarootie can go for drives together, but it won’t be Her fault if your car breaks down and becomes a sigalert, stopping traffic on the freeway. You and Yuckarootie can party together, and if you say please, She’ll hold your head.
She’s wonderful company. She doesn’t nag or fuss. She doesn’t correct you all the time or give smart answers. She’d never make you feel disrespected. She’s got no problem eating any old thing you have delivered, and dirty sheets don’t bother Her at all.
After a while, however, you may notice that She’s looking around the house. She’s looking under the bed, in the closets, behind the toilet. She’s examining the organic obstacle course on the sidewalk. She won’t nag or fuss, though. She’ll just look at things and nod and smile. She has such a jolly smile. She doesn’t say a negative word.
Yuckarootie likes your messes. You can’t gross Her out. She likes you just the way you are. She’s your friend. Possibly your only friend.
She’ll never put Her industrial-strength cleaning supplies where you can trip over them. But if you do decide to clean up, She’ll help you. Then She’ll move on.
Can you tell Finding New Goddesses is one of my favorite books? I keep having fun with the blessed Verbena and Finding new girls. (I also Found one god.) BUY THIS BOOK. I have lots of copies, so if you want to read about Our Lady of Guilt (all mothers) and her daughter Libida Loca or Mimsy Borogove, the modern muse and want a signed copy of the book, send me an email.